Rantings of a Mad Man

30th January 2012

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Numb

I feel so numb lately.

30th January 2012

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I try hard to ignore it

I don’t know if I need help anymore.  I made a big deal about it a couple months ago, I was absolutely terrified and yet I was determined (for a time) that I needed to plunge in and get psychological help.  But there are things that I’m afraid of.  While I’m the type of person who likes to go based primarily on what I can see, I also am the type of person who accepts all possibilities.  This means my spiritual beliefs are different from most, assuming that most people are various general religions such as Catholic, Protestant, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, etc.  But I’m afraid that if I get psychological help they might brand my beliefs as part of a mental condition.  I don’t like that, why is it okay to believe in a “God” but if I sit here and believe that there are ghosts or spirits or other things outside the norm, it’s proof of a mental condition.  So that’s one fear.  Another is that I’m scared I AM messed up, and if I am messed up and they tell me I am, then I’ll have to accept it.  I’m only sick when I think I’m sick.  Or I’m only sick when I think about whether I am or not.  I honestly think all my “mental issues” are just me imagining things and pretending.

But that’s not the point here of this post.  That was just a long tangent.  What it’s really about is that I feel messed up.  I feel messed up a lot lately and I just keep telling myself I’m okay, but it progressively gets harder to ignore those times when I feel like I’m not okay.  I strongly think I’m not messed up, and that I don’t need to see a doctor, but there are periods of time where I just really don’t seem to be okay.  Sometimes I feel so messed up that it scares me.  It scares me more because I don’t understand where you draw the line between something being just pessimism and cynicism or being a mental condition that inspires those feelings.  And when those times come where I feel those ways I try not to bother people with them.  I don’t want to bug someone every single time I feel like crawling into a hole.  Amanda deals with it enough, she gets it like once a week or once a month, something like that.  Chantal deals with it from time to time too, but I’ve been better for the most part in that I don’t experience the serious bouts she saw.  I try not to bug anyone else aside from those two.  I don’t mind people knowing I have these episodes, but I don’t want people involved in them or knowing when I’m having them.  I feel like it’d just be bothersome.  And lately, I feel entirely unwanted.  It’s hard to tell if I’m imagining it.  I feel entirely abandoned by a lot of  people.  I feel like everything is so fake sometimes.  It gets hard to tell what’s real.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell things apart, like the strings of puppets are all just mixed around and things in my life are just getting pulled around in a play for someone’s entertainment.  This is our part, this is how we shall act.  Are you really my friend?  You seem to avoid me.  You didn’t want to give up, but it feels like you have.  And You just seem to have vanished.  While at the same time You just seem to have set me aside, like an old toy, to gather dust and rust.  I have a feeling that’s what I am.  I’m a toy for people to play with and toss aside.  I’m here to play a part.  I used to say that all the time, but I tried to forget about it.  I remember now.  I have a part in the lives of certain people.  I’ve done those parts already, and now it’s time to move on.  I tried to hold on, tried to break this cycle.  But I’m sure of it now.  This is how life is.  Perform your scene.  Change the set.  New scene.  New people.  New play.  Old ones gone, there scene is done.  That is my life.  Now is it a tragedy or a comedy?  It’s funny sometimes how much I fuss over these things, so maybe it’s a comedy.  But it’s tragic how unfunny the rest of it is, so perhaps it’s a tragedy.  I need rest.  I don’t feel okay anymore.

29th January 2012

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The drug using community

I’ve got to wonder why people have so much hate for some druggies.  I mean, I understand, even in the community of people who use various things, a lot of them don’t approve of, and often have little respect for, major abusers and addicts.  But seriously, the druggy community is so supportive.  I mean, think of people who smoke pot.  It’s one of those ones you just share.  You’ve got pot, you spread the love.  If one person has pot, everyone has pot.  You’re in a bad mood?  Well fuck then come on, bro, let’s get you fucked up and forget that shit for a bit.  Also, I recently discovered the pill using community online, and those bitches are so supportive.  They understand that people like to have a good time and that you can’t have a good time when your pills have massive doses of APAP which could get you killed or fuck your liver.  So what do they do?  Look, bro, don’t kill yourself, do a CWE.  Safer for you and safer for your liver.  But be careful, if you ain’t used to opiates, you don’t want to go past your limits and be vomiting for the next four days or end up addicted.  I swear, the drug based community looks out for each other.  They share.  And I’ve yet to meet a violent one.  Yes, doing drugs is looked down on in society, but why?  Just because the government says it’s bad?  Because our parent told us it’s bad?  Why?  Half of these people are nice people.  Half the people who are clean are bad people.  So they’re just as nice as everyone else but have a bad reputation in general society.  Just thinking about how supportive these communities are is all.

27th January 2012

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lol I thought exercise was supposed to help

I’m not releasing my endorphins correctly or something because exercise is supposed to alleviate stress and improve mood by producing endorphins, but I’m just as miserable, perhaps more so, than any other night.  The logic behind this escapes me.

27th January 2012

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I feel horrendous

I’m miserable right now but I’m kind of just ignoring it.  I seem to do a lot of this lately.  Let the record show that just after midnight, on Friday, January 27 of the year 2012, Christian Salas entered a state of misery and perhaps even the beginning of dissociating his consciousness from his being.  Let the record also show that he does not care and is going to just keep moving forward.

25th January 2012

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lol His rage

Gonna go by his name in-game, so, Black ended up having a major hissy fit because he got a kill taken from him.  Let’s give this match some context, he’s playing jungle Rammus, going tank, not damage, I say that because I recently played with a dps Rammus and didn’t even know people did that outside of Dominion.  By this point in the game he has I think a score of 1/4/13, we’re about 30 minutes into the game.  So overall, that’s a pretty nice score considering it’s a tank.  But he complains about not getting kills and whatnot before this.  Then he goes to initiate on an Annie and Lee Sin.  Annie gets nuked through a wall by our Rumble’s ult and skillshots, as well as our Vlad.  Immediately after Annie dies he complains about people ks’ing him, and when I say it wasn’t even a ks, mind you I wasn’t part of the fight, I was chasing some others back, he gets pissed.  He continues with his sarcasm over it, and I wonder if he honestly thought it was his kill, considering he had just run in on her and she’d died almost in that instant.  If he honestly thought it was his, he’s overestimating his nuke by a lot, considering he only had a warmogs and a Randuin’s and maybe something else.  After that he goes off with his hissy fit and decides to spend the next 30-40 minutes jungling and getting warmogs, just warmogs.  Because of his hissy fit we lost the match, that, at 30 minutes, we had already pushed to inhibitor and had only lost our outer turrets for the most part, except one lane to inhib turret.  He always complains about not getting kills, but this is the first time I’ve seen him throw a hissy fit this big.  And in the end we could have won, if he’d helped to take down the Nexus when I tried to bd it, but instead he pushed a turret, and then went back.  I know how bad he rages, but this was probably the worst I’ve seen.