I’ve had dips into pessimism, cynicism, and similar states, but I think this is the first time, that outside of those shifts I’ve felt a complete failure in faith towards people. I spent what feels like a week, I have no idea if it’s been more or less, waiting for one person to message me because there was an important conversation we needed to have. And now here’s another dip in a friendship, to the point where I’ve realized I don’t benefit this person. For all the things they’ve done for me, I realize that when I try to interact with them I manage to do something stupid, or something stupidly out of my control happens, and they’re even worse off than they were before. And another of my friends is held away from me in that they never have the freedom to talk, this isn’t really an issue of my faith in friendship failing, but a faith in that we’re even still friends. They claim we are, but I feel so insignificant to them. I know I’m not being ignored, but I feel like I have no value to them anymore. We used to be so close, but now I just feel worthless to them.
I feel like giving up on friendship at this point. It seems like half the time I don’t benefit them anyways. The other half I don’t benefit from them. And almost all of the time, they’re so much trouble. Maybe I’m just better off sticking to myself. I’ll let Chantal be my bridge to the rest of the world, I just don’t know if I want to deal with getting close to people anymore when, without fail, I always come to this place where I realize it’s not beneficial to anyone. At this point I’m pretty sure the first person mentioned won’t get back to me, so that’s one gone. The second one has already decided not to game with me anymore because every match ends with them being upset and pissed, so it won’t be long before they realize conversations usually end the same and so they’ll leave. And the third, well, it’s easy enough for that one to leave me. Talking once a month or less, it’d be easy enough for them to disappear after they realize talking to me is a waste of time and they’ll leave me too. I just need to accept that they’re leaving me.
